princesskitana Leaves Rizon For Good

Below is her blog post about leaving. Original link here: https://pastebin.com/xs8Udj6Z, Archive link: http://archive.is/rUBsB Click Read More to see her entire 1400 word blog post in detail.

I hope everyone is staying safe during this time of uncertainty. As I look back and gather my thoughts about what I want to type here today; I am at grips with reality and how much I am struggling to compose myself.


          If only life were as simple as the lyrics in a song. I gather my inspiration through the simple things we strum through with our fingers. The things we ourselves take for granted.


          As I look back on my journey here on Rizon I've realized I made many wrong choices and I tried to change them. However the damage was already done. Imprinted in people's mind this annoying negative character people like Casey, dogbert, brite, tard, Random420 and dumbgoy wanted to be rid of. I don't blame them for their indirect actions only from the constant bullying.


          I didn't want to make this seem like its about me and I am looking for attention. No, it's about more than that. It's about growing up as a person. I am a grown woman as AlterEgo_ used to mention. I was playing these games online thinking there was something to gain with the excitement. But all it ever did was made me realize I am too old for this and a newer generation has come forth; the zoomers. Which made me sad.


          The method of things have changed. The concept still remains and I fitted that mold of being an e-thot perfectly. But I felt to myself I had more redeeming qualities people didn't take the time to get to know.


          I can sit here and feel wounded and cry my eyes out. But that wouldn't solve how I am feeling. This crippling depression is taking a toll on me and making me doubt my existence and I don't want it to ever come to that. I don't want someone like Random420 to think he can easily destroy people's lives online. What he's destroyed is only an 'online' identity. An online identity you're too well familiar with. One whose choices may have lead me to where I am today.


          Sure maybe this will slip away and come to pass as being nothing. But I did equate a lot of my time being spent here to that of real importance. We can never get back those times we had invested throughout the years. Those times we've shared filling this void that made us feel at ease.


          I think when I really snapped and figured out this is what I wanted to do? Was when I was struggling to forget 8chan and owo. I found a beautiful soul online but at times a naïve one who would fault me for my accusations.


          It felt like I'm retelling something I should be proud of. But it's more than just pride. It's me not wanting pity or attention. Its wanting acceptance into an environment only based upon cruelty to eachother.


          When jesus told mezmur he would never unban me that is when reality really sank in. That in this environment I am not in charge of my own circumstances, nor am I in charge of who I want to be. I had no control over my own e-life.


          Gossip and past acts have played their necessary part to ensure I am not taken seriously. Forcing people to chat to me in pvt because they're afraid to associate with me in public.


          Today I wash my hands and wring them dry not because I am nervous, nor because I am easy to stomp on; but because I am walking into a path of lesser unknowns.


          At times I felt comfortable in 8chan and not places like homescreen because they always seemed to have a double standard on how they viewed people. People there would cast you out; then in secret, they would message you as though they controlled the bar. They would raise and lower it according to how you made them feel. But there were many great times there playing Uno especially with Etiv. Uno that grounding force when things usually felt out of place.


          I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just want to get away from all this poison and toxic behaviour. I do want to be forgotten. So there aren't any fragments I've left behind unturned.


          I've walked the path of this 'unknown' and I felt like so many memories were engraved on my blank slate. But as a rock is so powerful in it's own existence as not 'being' I am able to use that rock to scratch away this slate and make it blank again. With only an imperfection left behind.


          Like RatFink used to say I have become this abomination on 8chan. Those are my imperfections; I leave them behind. But I didn't want to be a burden on JEWS and the board. Being another entity online shouldn't have to be bought or paid for as copypaste held greed in his interactions online. Sometimes, when times were difficult and I needed a solid answer I would find myself confiding in Underdose for help.


          But as I enter into these new environments. I walk and stand alone. I have become too old for this sort of lifestyle. Hopefully, I can find something less challenging elsewhere and know this is what you must all want in your 'safespace.' That place where women are more of an obstacle you want to be rid of than a puzzle you'd like to unravel and put together again. When kefka gave me the inspiration of what life can really amount to I then embraced the idea something different is possible. When yoss accused me of being a femoid I disregarded his annoyance and just took the criticism like a grain of salt; that being a foundation for self improvement.


          I do struggle with my weight issues and did want attention because I felt my self worth wasn't enough. But even how true that is, it wasn't enough to warrant pity from anyone.


          There are so many instances I could account for, but that's not what I'm here for. I am typing these last words. To let me remember all the nice people I've met a long the way. Those of you who have taken a step on my blank slate and eventhough some of those memories were written in pencil. I pray the memories don't interfere with the overall future in our words. I believe serendipity will play an important role for many of us even if that isn't something in your religious beliefs. I believe karma is a powerful force that will drive our morals.


          With the kindness of Deacon and Monery for taking me into their chan when I was always banned elsewhere or didn't want to be alone. I do owe many thanks to people like grobend for showing me online and irl are divided; whether it be the experiences which shape us or that fine line which defines us. Thank you to Dwarf for putting up with my nonsense and rebellion over the years and thank you to JEWS and owo for helping my time in 8chan last as long as it did. Let's not forget the people who drove me to make decisions in life like Carp, Lysana, Christistheway, Emma, Beast, Ponyo and jmanfatty. Les't we forget the mastermind, the shadow which never wanted to leave me alone; Random024.


          Who could even forget the jokes and the reality with MissA, Monroe and MasterofMuppets. The endurance and support of Moin aka HKM (hi kill me) lol yeh galat ho gaye jaan. The dominance of Kali_ and the soothing thoughts of owo. I do love you.


          All this time its taken me to come to grasp this fact that this piece is too long and repetitive. Memes aside I cannot stop meming you. So I end it here and hope those I've left out don't feel as though they didn't mean as much. Because you've all meant so much more to my beautiful time here on Rizon.


This beautiful song sums up my feelings quite beautifully.  Originally by Keane but resang by Kacey


https://youtu.be/UgKmbVhvI1w



And lastly this song I made for owo


https://www.speakpipe.com/voice-recorder/msg/46fflsmjqt4pzwou



Goodbye and Farewell...





Until we meet again.


-princesskitana

aka pk



p.s. I will try to come back before my nick expires, if I don't then that is another chapter in my life